“Bring to me the CASTRATO”, bellowed the King of Popes.
WTF is a Castrato you ask?
An Italian wine? A short journalistic form used in the last century to send critiques abroad? A medium sized caper used in northern Italian pasta cuisine?
No.
How many times have you heard the question though over the holidays?
Over dinner, at a stop light, from the back pews at church…daft ole uncle Jerry pipes up from the cheap seats:
”Who here among us has seen my nuts?? My testes? I ask you again….”
“Geez Henry”, cries the priest / the matriarch of the dysfunctional family gathering….”think of the children….”
“Now, Henry, can you sing us a tune? A lovely soprano-ic rendition of something light an airy? Something to take us away?”
Well, to allow folks to answer this question, let us examine what a castrado is…
A castrato (Italian, plural: castrati) is a type of classical male singing voice equivalent to that of a soprano, mezzo-soprano, or contralto. The voice is produced by castration of the singer before puberty, or it occurs in one who, due to an endocrinological condition, never reaches sexual maturity.
Castration before puberty (or in its early stages) prevents the larynx from being transformed by the normal physiological events of puberty. As a result, the vocal range of prepubescence (shared by both sexes) is largely retained, and the voice develops into adulthood in a unique way. Prepubescent castration for this purpose diminished greatly in the late 18th century.
Methods of castration used to terminate on the onset of puberty varied. Methods involved using opium to medically induce a coma, then submerging the boy into an ice or milk bath where the procedure of either severing the vas deferens (similar to a vasectomy), twisting the testicles until they atrophied, or complete removal via surgical cutting was performed (however the complete removal of the testicles was not a popularly used technique). The procedure was usually done to boys around the age of 8-10, recovery time from the procedure took around two weeks. The means by which future singers were prepared could lead to premature death. To prevent the child from experiencing the intense pain of castration, many were inadvertently administered lethal doses of opium or some other narcotic, or were killed by overlong compression of the carotid artery in the neck (intended to render them unconscious during the castration procedure).
What is the opposite of a Castrato? My first answer would be the following master of anti-soprano-ness:
And my second choice is this legend of the lower registers: (Of course the title of this tune would be a bit of sore spot for the Castrato….or sore region). (ed note: Man o man, if this isn’t one of the best dad jokes ever!!…I outdo myself so many times a day….)
So there you go…sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t (have any)…
4 Ways to Improve Your Life Immediately…what you can do today…
Stop drinking shit coffee. Just stop it. Splurge at least once a week on a good coffee…not that Hills Brothers crap from Walmart. I know it is cheaper, but do yourself a huge favour and drink quality instead of quantity. In the words of Gord Downie, ‘life is too short to drink bad coffee’…here is the interview from 2009;
Sit down, slow down and listen to music. Listen to an entire ‘side’ of an album like the ‘old days’ where you would sit in a comfy chair, album in hand reading the lyrics of the tunes as the ENTIRE side played….no skipping tunes, no TikTok length songs…the way it was intended by the artist. Give it a try. I suggest Pink Floyd Animals, but you do you;
Stop relying on technology to do everything, all day. I mean, who doesn’t love indoor plumbing or the wheel….but make an attempt to try and do something with your own hands and accomplish something lovely to smile at. Something you can put on the table and call someone over and say, “Hey, look at this thing I just did! I am feckin awesome!” Put the phone away and do some simple math…even it takes 3 minutes…write a note on a piece of actual paper. Try it, even doodle a bit at the edges; and
And finally, try and NOT think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, there exists a sewage treatment plant somewhere, that employs a corn and peanut recycling program…I have zero proof, but, what if this existed. What if. Next time you see a non-perfect corn kernel, a smallish peanut piece, try and not think about if it hasn’t been through some type of ‘process’ (biological or otherwise) in the past.
That’s A Wrap
Here is a great tweet I read today from @OhHaiAndy on twitter:
It can be referred to as CRAB MENTALITY
Coles notes version (or for the younger amongst us), TL/DR:
“If I can’t have it, you can’t either”
These people are not your on your side, if your ‘friends’ are not happy for you or pulling for you in all that you do, then reconsider who you are hangin’ with.
More to come in the future…future is bright and success is there for all of us to grab.
Blue side up Amigos.
That’s because you are an empathetic kind of folk!
I have never had balls, but I found myself cringing and crossing my legs when I read this….